No matter how hard you try. No matter how good you are at something. No matter how many times you prove yourself. You can’t change the crazy in someone else.
I have this unrelenting ability to find myself in the same situations. Some say it’s so that I can learn a lesson…one that apparently I’ve missed the multiple times I’ve reenacted this dysfunction. I’m tired of trying to find the lesson. Or maybe this time I’ve found it. Either way, I’m tired of trying to prove my self-worth.
I am good enough.
I have value. I have worked hard to be where I am. Actually, I have worked my ass off. I have a higher work ethic than most people around me, which I think should make me feel good – but I’ve used it to make myself feel like an outcast. Different because I want to try harder than you. Ashamed because I want to try harder than you.
There’s a good friend. She’s wrapped up in many of my motives. Using her to ineffectively boost my self-esteem. Using her to sometimes end my procrastination. Shame and I have a long past. Today I’m trying to change that.
I can change me.
Change old thought patterns that no longer serve me. Change my responses. Change my perceptions. Change my mind. I can be the person I want to be regardless of the person you want me to be. I can be who I want to be in any situation regardless of your behavior. Regardless of what you say. I will not be triggered by you.
Maybe some bravery. Courage and Bravery is what it takes to stand up for me. To create the boundaries that will protect me, not hinder me. To take care of myself, even when others may feel it’s too much. You are not me. You cannot decide how I take care of myself and where I feel safe. Only I can decide that. Only I can make those needs known.
I’m still learning how to make my needs known. Learning how to set boundaries. I am slowly gaining experience. Seeking wisdom from others that have learned how to take care of themselves. Learned how to be an adult in an adult world. Instead of acting like a child in an adult world.
Today I have the courage to change the one I can. This time I had the wisdom to know that one was me.